I got an apology today. From a German Doctor. Mays birth was wrapped with so many emotions. Joy, relief, love but unfortunately there was also fear, abandonment, hurt and worry. The short version is that we were let down by a host of medical staff, from the doctor that admitted me, to the nurses on duty that day. The thing is that everyone is human, we all have bad days, we all have days when we are rushed and tired and stressed, and I can only imagine that in the medical profession all of those things are a million times harder and more serious. But two things happened last week. Firstly I was reading about birth and the author wrote that in birth, despite what traumas may happen, most of us think ‘at least I have a healthy baby’ but, she wrote, you matter too. Secondly I realised that I wasn’t ok with it. This seems so obvious to say but often we are not ok with something and yet we settle for it, or we quash it beneath a flurry of other feelings. Last week I realised that I wasn’t ok with what happened and that I wanted my chance to talk about it and my chance to get an apology that I feel I deserve. That day was supposed to be a magical one. I had no expectations going into it, I was willing and ready to listen and learn from the experienced medical team. I deserved to enjoy it, to feel cared for and accepted, loved and respected. I deserved to feel special because I had just given birth to an amazing baby girl. I had become a mum and I needed a little love for it.

So today, I got on the bike and cycled through the snow. I had a range of tests and then I sat opposite the Dr that delivered May and told her exactly how those 48hrs were for me. She sat, she listened and then she held my arm and apologised. She offered me support, she wrote complaints but most of all she validated that what happened wasn’t ok. And now of course it all feels a lot better.

So I am sitting here, writing this and drinking coffee. The baby is sleeping after a morning at nursery, the husband is running errands. There is an apple cake baking in the oven and a cauldron of ratatouille on the stove to drop round at a friends house. My eyes are burning with tiredness, emotional rather than physical, and i am eating the last of these breakfast bars. These bars have lasted 2 weeks in the freezer and they are amazing. They are the best grab and go bar I have ever made and I love that you keep them frozen but that they are ready to eat within 5 minutes. You dont need to add any chocolate to them but you can if you like – just melt a few pieces of 80% and then spread in a paper thin layer over the finished bars before chilling. These bars are ideal with a coffee in the morning, you can eat them with one hand as you nurse/type/push the pram and i promise they dont lead to any sugar spikes…Im off to lie down for 10minutes and to pat myself on the back briefly.

ps – i took some beautiful photos of these bars but nothing with upload properly so bare with me and I promise more shots will appear soon x

Ingredients
200g dates destoned
60g almond (or peanut or sunflower) butter
80g honey (or maple syrup)
110g chopped nuts and/or dried fruit
140g oats

Method
Line an 8x8inch baking dish or tray
Place the almond butter and the honey into a pan
Place the dates into a food processor with a splash of warm water and process for 5-7 minutes until they broken down and dough like
Place the dates and oats and chopped nuts/fruit into a large bowl and stir well to combine
Warm the honey and nut butter till they are a smooth sauce
Pour over the oat mixture and stir well
Press into the baking dish and then place into the freezer to set
These will keep sealed in the freezer for at least three months
Remove 5-10 mins before you want to enjoy